Lunch Notes

Alex Nichols

Dearest Son,

If you’re reading this, it means I’m already dead.

Ha ha, just kidding. It means you’re at school, eating the lunch I lovingly prepared for you! (Although I could also be dead, what with how much I hate my job! Ha ha, just kidding again!)

Anywho, today’s meal is a true delight. We start off with an amuse-bouche, our classic baton du fromage, crafted from our finest mozzarella and wrapped in a thin layer of plastique (which we recommend removing before consumption). To drink, we have a vintage pouch of Capri Sun; it is crisp, yet fruity, with a strong Pacific Cooler finish. Then, the main course: two freshly-prepared slices of bologna (personally slaughtered by our in-house butcher, Oscar Mayer), served betwixt two pieces of pan blanco and coated in our signature mayo-flavored aioli glaze. On the side we have our miniature orange wedges just imported from the Mandarin region of China, soaked in a corn syrup reduction; farm-to-table bebe carrots bred from our strongest and most delicious adult carrots; and Nacho Cheese Doritos. (You may have noticed a theme with our sides. The theme is: orange.) Finally, we top it all off with dessert: the world famous Snaque Paque du chocolat pudding cup. Bon appetit!

Anywho, after you enjoy the best Chez Padre has to offer, I hope you have a “totally tubular” afternoon and a “rad-tacular” chess team practice! (WTF…is that not what cool kids say anymore? Am I getting old??? Ha ha!) Speaking of cool kids, don’t let that rabid pack of so-called “populars” get under your skin today. They’re donkeyholes who will crash and burn after high school (unless they become your boss and make you hate that you exist! Ha ha!). Seriously, though, it’s like your grandpa used to say: “They’re ignorant, so ignore them.” So what if you’re skinny and pale and unathletic and awkward with girls? I’m all of those things, and I’ve had sex at least one time! (Awkward? TMI? Look, I’ve been meaning to tell you where babies come from…ah, forget it.)

Aaaaanywho, I don’t want the baloney sandwich to go cold on ya, so I’ll wrap this up. Besides, it’s time for me to go to work. Today I have to present a PowerPoint to my boss, which he’ll probably say is all wrong even though I did exactly what he told me to do, and then he’ll magically come up with how to fix it, which will coincidentally be exactly how I said I should do it back when he told me to do it all wrong in the first place! (The meeting is on the 16th floor…wuh-oh! Hope those windows are locked! Ha ha ha ha ha.)

I’m so proud of you, pal. Not for any particular reason. I just am!

Love,

Dad

Alex Nichols lives in Boulder, Colorado with his wife, two sons, and two dogs. His stories have appeared (or will appear) in Jabberwock Review, Typishly, and The Sea Letter.